Safety First

It was an important day today gentle reader. Today was boat safety inspection time. Yes, my boat was to be inspected to make sure that it was safe for me. This man comes along apparently and checks it all over. Presumably things like making sure the gunwales aren't too slippery for me and the cat flap is swinging correctly and my feeding station is properly cleaned. Stuff like that. Well, that's what I thought at any rate. To be purrfectly honest with you I slept through the whole thing and only woke up and showed myself as the man was finishing.

Imagine then my surprise to discover that the beastly chap had failed my boat. By thunder I was outraged. And it turned out that he wasn't checking all those things at all. No, he was more interested in battery terminals and gas hoses whatever they are. In fact there was quite a list of jobs that needed doing to get the place up to scratch. Which led to my next question. Just what the bloody hell is the lummox pissing about at? He's at home most of the day for crying out loud. He could have had all those jobs done months ago. But oh no, he just comes rolling home from work and sits listening to music or tapping away into that laptop of his in the vainglorious belief that he could be some kind of writer. Hah! He struggles to write the bloody shopping list never mind literature.

Anyway, the humans have now got a list of jobs to do to get the place right and they had better crack on with it. I understand that they're all trifling little jobs that even he should be able to manage without too much trouble despite being a ham-fisted, sausage-fingered brute of a man. My safety is paramount and failure to make certainty of it is frankly unacceptable.

PPP x

A Thick Ear

He's been back again! That black and white interloper who's got the hots for me. There I was today sunning myself in the wheelhouse when all of a sudden he rolls up and starts poncing up and down my mooring. Posing and prancing about like some kind of Victorian dandy-prat. Well, I gave him fair warning. He can't say that I didn't give him fair warning. I growled at him good and hard. The growling of a lifetime I gave him. But still he persisted in making eyes at me and swanning about like he owned the place. So I thought to myself - 'There's only one way to deal with this blighter!' - and I launched myself at him with all the pace and power I could muster. He didn't run at first as maybe he thought that I had succumbed to his charms and was making a B line for him. Hah! As if? No gentle reader, I caught him completely unawares and before he knew what was happening I socked him one with my right paw.

The shock on his face was obvious as my paw connected with his ear and he leapt into the air with fright and the sudden realisation that his amorous advances had been most keenly rejected. His tail dropped between his legs and he turned and bolted away as fast as he could. I felt vindicated and rather chuffed with myself. But then Ange rather spoiled the moment by coming out and telling me that I shouldn't have done it and that I should share my moorings with other cats. Oh dear, oh dear. I thought she knew me better than that. And oh my word, if my brother had been here that black and white nancy would have gotten a lot more than a thick ear I can tell you. He'd have got a bloody good hiding!

So now it remains to be seen wether or not he will return after that. I couldn't have made it more obvious that I don't want him hanging around the place like a bad stench, could I? And if he does show up again I'll lamp him on the other side and see how he likes that.

PPP x

On The Hunt

I got me a mouse this morning my furry, feline friends. A fine, fat fieldmouse. The first I've had since we got here. Naturally it took all my cunning and dexterity to hunt the beast down but I got him in the end. Gave him the mauling of a lifetime I did. Then I took it onto my boat to show the lummox what I'd done expecting him to be glowing with pride and he just said I was naughty and that he was going to tell Ange about it. Ooh, I'm so scared. Yeah whatever. Anyway I left it on the kitchen floor as you do hoping to come back and poke it with my paw later after I'd had a kip but lummoxy picked it up and threw it into the canal. Prick! If he thinks that's going to deter me from hunting he's desperately wrong. He couldn't be more wrong in fact. Seriously, if that's what he thinks he's as wrong as velvet loon pants with twenty inch flares (people born before 1970 will know what I mean).

Anyway, I think I've got my eye in (and my claws) now and shall get out there again and give those pesky rodents a bloody good seeing to. I'll show them who's boss. I'll teach them not to scamper around with their beady little eyes and twitching noses. Yes my Pixie followers, there's a gonna be some huntin' going on around these parts. Just you wait and see.

PPP x

Side Hatch Shenanigans

I said it didn't I? I said that the side hatch was just for me and not for billing and cooing at ducklings. And I've been proved right gentle reader. For I have indeed found yet another fun pastime for myself involving the side hatch. It's all quite simple but tremendous enjoyment. Basically, the humans open the side hatch for me (they do it on the pretence of getting fresh air of course) and then I go outside and race up and down the gunwales and throw myself through the hatch and onto the living room floor. I did it six times in a row yesterday. Six times! Oh it really is great fun, it helps keep me trim and svelte and best of all it sends the humans into a frenzy of worry about me. You ought to hear Ange fretting and fussing and telling me to stop in case I hurt myself. Tut tut! Utter piffle my friends, utter piffle. Does she not know that we cats always land on our feet and apart from anything else she must surely realise what a fine, athletic puss I am and that a jump down of a mere three and a half feet is nothing for a cat of my poise and dexterity. The lummox seems to agree with her too but at the end of the day nobody really cares what he thinks anyway.

So the side hatch has come into it's own at last and is being used for it's true purpose, ergo - my entertainment. I don't know how much it cost to put in and frankly I couldn't care less. That's the humans job, to foot the bill around here, it's my job to derive pleasure out of the thing.

Ducklings be buggered!

PPP x