I was magnificent in the night gentle reader. Truly magnificent. And I really gave those humans what for. Barely a wink of sleep did they get thanks to the mighty meowing I gave them and I have to say that it was thoroughly deserved. Yes, they earned every single one of the meows I gave them and I hope that they have learned a valuable lesson as a result. Here's what happened...
Becky came to stay on my boat last night. No probs with that, it's happened before. But of course, she brought Twinkletoes McGobshite the labrador with her didn't she. And as per usual he made a complete tit of himself with his barking and leaping about. Honestly, he's got about as much self control as an eighty five year old's bladder after three cups of weak tea. And so I had to contend with him acting like an absolute nerk for the whole evening. Well, after I while (a short while) I grew tired of his immaturity and went out for the evening to have a saunter about, a roll on the roof and see if there were any mice to be had, you know, cat stuff. And that was all well and good. The problems started when I went back in.
You see, I was ready for bed by this time and at the moment I'm choosing to sleep on the couch. Why? I don't know! Could it be the lummox's feet or his breath or his farts or his snoring that's keeping me off the bed or something else entirely? Maybe I just like a change of scenery from time to time when I wake up. Whatever! The point is this, when I came back in I wanted to hit the couch and get eight hours sleep in before my morning nap. Imagine then my shock and annoyance to find Becky and that blonde-haired, yapping ponce lying snoring on the couch and clearly in deep sleep. I glared at them for a few moments whilst I thought what to do. And then it came to me. It was the lummox and Ange's fault that that hulking great brute was here (the labrador I mean, not Becky) and that he was in my place. Yes, by God, their fault and they would pay for it.
So I went straight back out again and up onto the roof. I then strode purposefully to the far end of my boat to where the bedroom is. The pigeon box was wide open, I stuck my shapely head through it and meowed for all I was worth. Ange heard me first (the lummox being insensible from wine) and got out of bed to see what was the matter. I darted away from the pigeon box but continued meowing. By now the lummox was coming around with a succession of grunts and other bodily expulsions I won't go into and he too got out of bed to see what was going on. Having disturbed them both I skipped off back down the roof and away.
This was ace. I waited by the mast for ten of fifteen minutes or so for them to drift off back to sleep and then repeated what I had just done with exactly the same results. Oh, it was choice. This continued for the remainder of the night, each time getting the humans more and more distressed thinking that something must be wrong with me. Well there was! I wanted the bleeding couch!!! Several times the lummox tried to reach up and lift me in through the pigeon box like an orangutan reaching for a bunch of bananas but everytime he got close I skipped off again. Hee hee! And I kept up this performance until about seven o'clock in the morning when they finally decided to get up.
I was tired too by now but not as much as that pair because I'd had a bloody good kip in the afternoon. Ha! But then, just as I was wondering what to do next Becky came out, gently picked me up and carried me into my boat, past the brute and through to the bedroom. With no humans in it to spoil my peace I lay down, curled up and went to sleep whilst the rest of them, all thoroughly disheveled, sat and drank coffee to try and perk themselves up. But why (I hear you say), why didn't you just put up with the bedroom anyway, just for a few hours rather than miss a night's sleep just because of a dog? Well, it's the principle of the matter for one thing. It's my boat and I should be able to sleep wherever I want to. And for another thing, there's a pecking order around here and I think that giving them a night like that I have enforced my position at the top of the pile. So there!
PPP x
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