Hi gentle reader
I took a bit of a sabbatical there for a while. Well, eighteen months to be precise but who's counting? You know how it is: you go for a nap, chase a few mice here and there, catch the odd bird, scratch the furniture, take some more naps and before you know it you're just too busy to blog. Some of the more unkind among you have dared to suggest that I simply couldn't be arsed anymore. Yes, really! I received the following emails and quite frankly am shocked and hurt by their content. See for yourself:
Hey! Pixie! It's been a long time with nothing happening here. Get your tail in gear and give us something new or are you just not bothered anymore?
Ralphy, Aberdeen
I've waited and waited but nothing for ages. What are you doing cat? Annoyed!!!!!!
Ginger, Banbury
What are you f*****g playing at Pix? Sort yourself out!
Lollipop, Otley
See! But my personal advice to Ralphy, Ginger, Lollipop and anyone else who wants to criticise me is go and shove it up your pencil sharpener as far as it will go and don't sully my inbox with your cheap diatribes ever again.
I'm back gentle reader and you and my many legions of fans (statistics speak for themselves) will no doubt be salivating to hear what I've been up to since last time. Well, there is much to tell. Ok, so only three really major things have happened. I'll deal with them in chronological order.
1) The lummox bought another boat. F*** me purple, you want to see the bloody thing. I've seen bigger boats in bathtubs. It looks like a narrowboat has been put on boil wash and shrunk. It's titchy. How on earth he supposes that he's ever going to manage in such a small space as that is beyond me. He's damn near as wide as the bloody boat. You want to see the thing when he steps on board. More of a lurch than the Addams Family!!! He'll be in the canal one day, I know he will. That boat is only about five ton in weight. It's not built for men of his immense girth. And as for the colour scheme... well... 50 shades of vomit is possibly the best way to describe it. And it's called Pipit! What kind of bile inducing name is that?
Apparently his reason for the purchase was to provide Ange with a business opportunity. It seems she would like to open some kind of floating, boat shop. I've heard talk of bric-a-brac being sold on it and one can only imagine the kind of tawdry tat that they'll be peddling on there. But that's not the worst of it gentle reader. No! They're also going to sell bloody dog treats. To dog owners! On the towpath! In broad daylight! Shame on them! Dogs don't need treating, they need to shut the hell up from all that barking. Mind you, they're going to be selling tennis balls to them as well so that should help with that. In addition, they're going to be flogging bags of duck food although to be honest I couldn't care tuppence about that either way. Anyway, good luck to them, I certainly won't be getting involved and without my weight behind it then the whole project is bound to collapse.
2) Get your lugholes around this one. Ange and the lummox got married. I kid you not. Last October. I'm not sure how he proposed but I can't imagine him getting down on one knee and then getting back up again in a hurry. At least, not without screaming. And she actually accepted!!! I mean, I've always questioned her eyesight and sense of smell weren't up to much but this is going too far surely. But no, wedded they are. And my God the whole place was inundated with people. Kids everywhere and people coming and going in and out of my boat. Naturally, of course, they all wanted to catch a glimpse of yours truly with the hope of getting their sticky mitts on my soft, desirable fur. So I did what any cat worth their salt would do and buggered off out for the day. It was sunny and warm so I just found somewhere quiet to soak up some rays and get away from it all. I understand that from their perspective the whole day went extremely well but whether they're married or not I couldn't care one single purr. Just so long as I'm kept in the manner I'm accustomed to. And surely to Christ they don't need a certificate for that!
They honeymooned in Ireland. Ange has relatives there so typically for the lummox they did it on the cheap (ham-fisted to the last). But what about Pixie Poo Poo? I hear you ask. Well, I was left in the company of Ange's brother. Stefan or Stavros or something. I never was great with names. Anyway, he stayed on my boat with me and made sure I was fed and kept warm. And I'll say this much for him, he knows how to present a haddock. After all, the first bite is with the eye and he clearly understands this. Not like the lummox who scrapes the batter off like he's trying to remove woodchip off a wall and then dumps the fish unceremoniously in the bowl with his sausage-like fingers. But not this guy, he made it a pleasure to eat. He even videoed me eating it. Can't blame him really can you? I've never seen a man take so many photographs and videos. He's even got one of those new-fangled flying things but I won't ''drone'' on about it (see what I did there!). Anyway, to cut a long story mercifully short my servants are now married.
3) We've sodding well moved again!!! I'm back on dry land gentle reader. Only this time it's not a glorified tin can on wheels, it's an actual, real, bonafide house! With carpets and central heating and everything! Now, yet again, I wasn't consulted on this and was once more spirited away thanks to the rough man-handling of that Becky Cardwell (By God, she walks a tightrope does that one). But you know what, despite being initially incensed by this, I'm now rather enjoying myself. The place is warm and cosy, doesn't smell of diesel and woodsmoke and those carpets make for some great scratching and clawing. I haven't seen any mice yet which is a bit of a shame but there is a dirty great white and black tomcat next door who will have to be put in his place. I haven't done it yet but I'll get round to it.
We've been here just over a month now and seeing as the lummox has done something useful for once and had wifi installed I thought it the purr-fect time to get back to the old Pixie Report. I'm sorry if my absence has caused distress to any of you as I know so many of you find comfort and enjoyment in my little blog. All I can say is, I'm back again! Let's see how long it lasts.
PPP x
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