We've just had a four day visit from the lummox's mater. Nice enough woman; cat friendly, clean, keeps the place tidy etc. So I didn't really have any problems with her coming here. I even let her have the spare bed and I slept on the couch instead, which I'm sure you'll all agree, was very magnanimous of me. Well, she is in her eighties after all and I'm not a spiteful cat in any way, as all my previous blog posts will testify. But, something was bugging me all the time she was here and for a while I just couldn't put my paw on it. And then when she'd gone home again it hit me. How on earth could someone nice like that produce offspring like the lummox? I mean the man is an oafish boor of the highest order of oafish boors. And the other thing right, I've met his brother and sister-in-law as well and they're both smart, polite and pleasant people who aren't bristling with straggly facial hair and don't smell of B.O and farts. Well, what they do in their private lives is none of my business, but when I met them they were nice enough.
So what's the deal with the lummox? How can a decent enough family contain something like that? How can the constant cause of irritation in my life, the thorn in my side, the carbuncle on my horizon, spring forth from them? I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Email me at the usual address of treblepcat@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, I'll continue to put up with listening to him filling the house with the sound of progressive rock and excessively loud flatus in equal measure.
PPP x
Friday, 29 March 2019
Sunday, 24 March 2019
The Mauling Of A Lifetime
You know that feeling you get when you just want to be left in peace to shed some fur at the top of the stairs carpet? Rolling and writhing around trying to tame the old winter pelt. Well, I had just that feeling this afternoon. I heard Ange and SFB (shit for brains) saying that they were going to visit that Becky person and I thought 'Great, I'll have the place to myself.' So I made myself comfy at the top of the stairs and began a bit of unwanted fur removal, as you do. And I was just beginning to enjoy myself as well as they were getting ready to bugger off when upstairs comes the lummox. I imagined he perhaps wanted to mask his body stench with that Lynx crap, that he sprays about all over the top floor, and so I moved to the side to let him past. All well and good, I hear you say. Well no...
He decided to choose that precise moment to start acting like a gibbering idiot; drooling and dribbling all manner of childish coochie coo-isms in my direction and generally making a prize winning berk of himself at a time when I was neither prepared nor even bothered to reciprocate. I did what any self-respecting cat would have done in the same circumstance. I tore him to f***ing shreds. I went for his gurning, great mug first but I'm ashamed to say I missed it, which is incredible really when you consider the size of the target area. However, the next nearest thing was his right hand and it was upon that which I seized. I gave him the works, gentle reader, I gave him the full bloody works. Teeth, claws, the lot. Ooh, I didn't half set about him.
And, I'm pleased to report, there was blood. Lots of it too. Followed by a copious amount of swearing and screaming from the lummox. Screamed like a little girl that's just had her pigtails pulled he did. As for me, I went and got under the bed and stayed there until they both sodded off. I believe he had to run it under the cold water tap for some length of time and there was talk of antiseptic creams and potential hospital treatment involving needles of some descrip. Whatever! The fact is, he'll know better next time. Won't he?
PPP x
He decided to choose that precise moment to start acting like a gibbering idiot; drooling and dribbling all manner of childish coochie coo-isms in my direction and generally making a prize winning berk of himself at a time when I was neither prepared nor even bothered to reciprocate. I did what any self-respecting cat would have done in the same circumstance. I tore him to f***ing shreds. I went for his gurning, great mug first but I'm ashamed to say I missed it, which is incredible really when you consider the size of the target area. However, the next nearest thing was his right hand and it was upon that which I seized. I gave him the works, gentle reader, I gave him the full bloody works. Teeth, claws, the lot. Ooh, I didn't half set about him.
And, I'm pleased to report, there was blood. Lots of it too. Followed by a copious amount of swearing and screaming from the lummox. Screamed like a little girl that's just had her pigtails pulled he did. As for me, I went and got under the bed and stayed there until they both sodded off. I believe he had to run it under the cold water tap for some length of time and there was talk of antiseptic creams and potential hospital treatment involving needles of some descrip. Whatever! The fact is, he'll know better next time. Won't he?
PPP x
Thursday, 14 March 2019
House v Boat
Hello again gentle reader,
Well, despite the few grumbles from the more narrow minded of you I have to say that I've been overwhelmed by the outpouring of relief that I have received from so many of you regarding my return to blogging. Here's a brief selection of them.
Pixie!!! You're back. Life is purr-fect once more
Beano, Chester
Thank you, thank you, thank you Pix. It's like all our Christmases have come all at once.
Pepe, Darlington
I had begun to lose the will to live Pixie but now that you're back I feel like a new cat. Joy!!!
Oliver, Prestwich
So there you have it. Proof certain of just how much The Pixie Report has been missed.
Now, about this house business. Well, I've been here for a few months and I do quite like it, but how does it compare to my boat? Lets look at the pros and cons of both shall we, and then see how it all stacks up. We'll start with the house:
Pro
Central heating. Keeps me nice and cosy.
Con
Gets too warm for fat lad and he starts opening windows thus letting cold air in.
Pro
Soft carpets under my feet.
Con
Can be prone to snagging claws on it.
Pro
A flushing lavatory, the humans don't have to have what's basically a bucket full of shite hanging around the place anymore.
Con
Can't actually think of one except maybe the odour after the lummox has been in.
Pro
Stairs. Good for exercise.
Con
Just can't be arsed with them sometimes, like after a big meal.
Ok, that;s the main features of the house and it's kind of looking good. But now let's take a look at my boat in the same way:
Pro
Log burner for me to lie in front of.
Con
Lummox makes a right bleeding mess with it.
Pro
Hot metal roof for me to sunbathe on in the summer.
Con
Not so much fun in winter
Pro
All on one level, pretty much.
Con
There's only the one bedroom to get out of the way to when that f***ing dog visits.
Pro
It's mine
Con
Very few people actually seem to respect that fact.
Hmmm... that's all very compelling evidence for both. So I'm going to call it a draw. 50/50. Honours even. A tie. Six of one and half... oh for God's sake, you know what I mean. For now though the house is it. Its warm and comfortable and I'm having haddock for tea tonight. Well, I'd better bloody well be having it or there will serious trouble. I've already had to shred the lummox's hand this morning. When is he going to realise, I'll have a tummy tickle when I'm ready. Berk! Anyway, I'm doing grand for now and there'll be another installment of The Pixie Report very soon.
PPP x
Well, despite the few grumbles from the more narrow minded of you I have to say that I've been overwhelmed by the outpouring of relief that I have received from so many of you regarding my return to blogging. Here's a brief selection of them.
Pixie!!! You're back. Life is purr-fect once more
Beano, Chester
Thank you, thank you, thank you Pix. It's like all our Christmases have come all at once.
Pepe, Darlington
I had begun to lose the will to live Pixie but now that you're back I feel like a new cat. Joy!!!
Oliver, Prestwich
So there you have it. Proof certain of just how much The Pixie Report has been missed.
Now, about this house business. Well, I've been here for a few months and I do quite like it, but how does it compare to my boat? Lets look at the pros and cons of both shall we, and then see how it all stacks up. We'll start with the house:
Pro
Central heating. Keeps me nice and cosy.
Con
Gets too warm for fat lad and he starts opening windows thus letting cold air in.
Pro
Soft carpets under my feet.
Con
Can be prone to snagging claws on it.
Pro
A flushing lavatory, the humans don't have to have what's basically a bucket full of shite hanging around the place anymore.
Con
Can't actually think of one except maybe the odour after the lummox has been in.
Pro
Stairs. Good for exercise.
Con
Just can't be arsed with them sometimes, like after a big meal.
Ok, that;s the main features of the house and it's kind of looking good. But now let's take a look at my boat in the same way:
Pro
Log burner for me to lie in front of.
Con
Lummox makes a right bleeding mess with it.
Pro
Hot metal roof for me to sunbathe on in the summer.
Con
Not so much fun in winter
Pro
All on one level, pretty much.
Con
There's only the one bedroom to get out of the way to when that f***ing dog visits.
Pro
It's mine
Con
Very few people actually seem to respect that fact.
Hmmm... that's all very compelling evidence for both. So I'm going to call it a draw. 50/50. Honours even. A tie. Six of one and half... oh for God's sake, you know what I mean. For now though the house is it. Its warm and comfortable and I'm having haddock for tea tonight. Well, I'd better bloody well be having it or there will serious trouble. I've already had to shred the lummox's hand this morning. When is he going to realise, I'll have a tummy tickle when I'm ready. Berk! Anyway, I'm doing grand for now and there'll be another installment of The Pixie Report very soon.
PPP x
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