The Mauling Of A Lifetime

You know that feeling you get when you just want to be left in peace to shed some fur at the top of the stairs carpet? Rolling and writhing around trying to tame the old winter pelt. Well, I had just that feeling this afternoon. I heard Ange and SFB (shit for brains) saying that they were going to visit that Becky person and I thought 'Great, I'll have the place to myself.' So I made myself comfy at the top of the stairs and began a bit of unwanted fur removal, as you do. And I was just beginning to enjoy myself as well as they were getting ready to bugger off when upstairs comes the lummox. I imagined he perhaps wanted to mask his body stench with that Lynx crap, that he sprays about all over the top floor, and so I moved to the side to let him past. All well and good, I hear you say. Well no...

He decided to choose that precise moment to start acting like a gibbering idiot; drooling and dribbling all manner of childish coochie coo-isms in my direction and generally making a prize winning berk of himself at a time when I was neither prepared nor even bothered to reciprocate. I did what any self-respecting cat would have done in the same circumstance. I tore him to f***ing shreds. I went for his gurning, great mug first but I'm ashamed to say I missed it, which is incredible really when you consider the size of the target area. However, the next nearest thing was his right hand and it was upon that which I seized. I gave him the works, gentle reader, I gave him the full bloody works. Teeth, claws, the lot. Ooh, I didn't half set about him.

And, I'm pleased to report, there was blood. Lots of it too. Followed by a copious amount of swearing and screaming from the lummox. Screamed like a little girl that's just had her pigtails pulled he did. As for me, I went and got under the bed and stayed there until they both sodded off. I believe he had to run it under the cold water tap for some length of time and there was talk of antiseptic creams and potential hospital treatment involving needles of some descrip. Whatever! The fact is, he'll know better next time. Won't he?

PPP x