Meow-sical Chairs

Oh I'm having such fun at the moment gentle reader. And I'm driving the lummox to distraction with it too, which is a bonus. On wet days, when I'm bored and can't sleep, I watch what the lummox is doing or rather, where he is sitting. He doesn't know I'm watching of course, being such a dullard, but I am. He'll either be sat at his laptop attempting to convince himself that he's a writer (pfft!) or sitting on his fat arse reading some archaic old Edwardian literature that no-one gives a hoot about anymore or listening to that God-awful twiddly-diddly-dee progressive rock that he insists on playing and I watch and bide my time. I know that before too much longer either his gluttonous appetite or his weak, over-soused bladder is going to make him get up in order to gratify himself. And the moment he does I'm in there like a shot. I steal his chair from right under his bulbous, bloody great nose. Yes, I lie there on the chair he's just vacated with a contented countenance, knowing that there's not a single damn thing he's going to do about it (scared you see) and look on as he sadly retires to another chair, groaning and moaning like an aged orangutan with a hernia. Then, and this is the best bit, I give it ten minutes before getting up and going upstairs to lie on the bed for a few hours, ignoring his cries of 'Oh Pixie!'. You may say this is cruel to do something like this to a dumb animal but let's not forget that this is the man who has thwarted so many of my attempts at mousing, purchased unbelievably shite cat food for me and filled my house with methane gas to the point where I don't think we'll ever clear the effluvium no matter how many windows Ange opens or how many incense sticks she lights. So I say 'balls to it, let's have some fun at his expense!' And it is, so very, very much, fun!

PPP x

Duck And Dive

It's not my fault that someone put a pond just over the wall from the back of my house. Likewise, it's no more my fault if ducklings lose their way and end up on the wrong side of the wall. And it's not my fault that I am a naturally kind and generous cat who enjoys bestowing gifts on people. So why oh why did Ange have a dicky fit when I brought a pair of ducklings home for the two of them this morning? Prattling on about how naughty I am and that ducks are our friends. Erm... I've got some news for you lady. Ducks are food. Check out the cat aisle in Pets At Home.

Anyway, I ignored her lambasting, thinking that at least the lummox would be pleased, given that the man will eat pretty much anything. But no! I had to watch whilst he gave in to his wife's whims and tenderly put the brace of ducklings in a paper bag and place them in the bin outside. Pathetic or what? All he had to do was rustle up a batch of orange sauce and he could have had a gourmet breakfast for himself. I tell you, I simply just won't bother in future. They can blasted well feed themselves from now on.

PPP x