Side Hatch Shenanigans

I said it didn't I? I said that the side hatch was just for me and not for billing and cooing at ducklings. And I've been proved right gentle reader. For I have indeed found yet another fun pastime for myself involving the side hatch. It's all quite simple but tremendous enjoyment. Basically, the humans open the side hatch for me (they do it on the pretence of getting fresh air of course) and then I go outside and race up and down the gunwales and throw myself through the hatch and onto the living room floor. I did it six times in a row yesterday. Six times! Oh it really is great fun, it helps keep me trim and svelte and best of all it sends the humans into a frenzy of worry about me. You ought to hear Ange fretting and fussing and telling me to stop in case I hurt myself. Tut tut! Utter piffle my friends, utter piffle. Does she not know that we cats always land on our feet and apart from anything else she must surely realise what a fine, athletic puss I am and that a jump down of a mere three and a half feet is nothing for a cat of my poise and dexterity. The lummox seems to agree with her too but at the end of the day nobody really cares what he thinks anyway.

So the side hatch has come into it's own at last and is being used for it's true purpose, ergo - my entertainment. I don't know how much it cost to put in and frankly I couldn't care less. That's the humans job, to foot the bill around here, it's my job to derive pleasure out of the thing.

Ducklings be buggered!

PPP x

The Litter Fairy

I'm ever so sorry to have to touch on this subject again but what is it with humans and their, frankly, vile toilet habits gentle reader? Take this pair of mine for example. They do their business in a plastic box (which they call - the Thetford) which they have to put fluid into to mask the stench. Then when the box is full they have to take up to the CRT building at the locks and tip it all down a hole. Can you imagine anything more horrid? No, neither can I. It's something or other to do with being on the boat and not having a full flushing Thomas Crapper and so they dump in a box. Deplorable if you ask me. When we were at the caravan they had a full flushing Thomas Crapper (well, that's what the lummox calls it) and that's almost as bad. They had to pump water into the thing to get rid of their waste.

Why oh why can't they be like us cats and use a litter tray. It's quick, it's clean and it's hygenic. And best of all the next time you go to use it all the poo has gone as if by magic. I know that many cats belive in the Litter Fairy and yet there are others who are sceptical about it. But, how else can you explain it? You go to the loo and then when you return to the tray the next day it's empty. Incredible! Maybe there isn't a fairy after all. Maybe it's the cat litter itself that's magic. Who knows? One thing's for sure, the humans could learn a thing or two from us and then they wouldn't have to put their plastic box in the back of the car and drive it all the way up to Five Rise to dispose of it.

Cats! The hygenic species!

PPP x

The Morning Chorus

The lummox let out a cascade of farts this morning when  he got out of bed. And you've never heard a more disgusting noise in your life. Ripping and squelching and bubbling away like a knackered fire hose. For a few moments I thought that he had, in fact, soiled himself. The odour convinced me of that as well. But I soon realised that he hadn't when he went to the toilet and unleashed yet another barrage of flatus over the lavatory pan that sounded like a chainsaw starting up underwater. Awful, my friends, truly awful! I think the problem was that the scouse hippie is over for the weekend and the pair of them had a night on the black stout. In fact, they've been on the piss since Friday. Something or other about some guy called St Patrick and it being his day. Well, I don't know what their cause for celebration was but I wasn't celebrating this morning when the fat berk let off. Also they had all consumed a large quantity of Thai green curry the night before as well which obviously didn't help. Listen up you odious uprights, if you're going to fill yourself with spicy food and about ten pints of heavy then you've no-one else to blame for the condition of your abdomen but yourselves. There, I've said it!

The effluvium has just about cleared now so I'm going to (tentatively) go back into the bedroom and get some shut eye. After which I might have a nap. Then maybe a snooze later on. Hopefully they'll all keep out and give me some peace. They can sit in the living room and blow off to their heart's content. I just hope they leave the side hatch open.

PPP x

I Don't Want To Be Picky, But...

The lummox is really getting right on my nerves folks. I mean really winding me up. He's developed this unbelievably annoying habit and I feel like scratching his bloody eyes out for it. He's started calling me 'Picky'. I don't mean picky as in being choosy about my food or something. I mean he's actually calling me Picky for my name. He puts on this irritable goo-goo gaa-gaa voice that should normally be reserved for kittens and babies and then abbreviates my name to 'Picky'. There I am lying on the bed enjoying myself and he comes home from work, sticks his fat head around the bedroom door and starts going 'Picky Poo Poo' at me like some kind of demented three year old. He's making himself look and sound ridiculous. I mean, I ask you - f***ing Picky! The name's Pixie you damned great bloated sack of Guinness and don't forget it.

PPP x

It's Electric

We have electricity! Yes, gentle reader, we have good old electricity back on my boat. I mean the proper stuff that comes into the boat down a cable not that 12 volt stuff that requires the sodding engine to be run every other day and therefore disturbs my peace. And you know what this means don't you? It means that we will soon have the fridge back up and running and as a result it will be filled with all the things that I like to eat. You know, salmon fillets and roast chicken and the like. Apparently the humans have to pay for the electricity and I shall of course let them. There is a meter or something that controls it and they have to feed it pound coins in order for the supply to continue. All well and good I hear you say. Well no, not entirely.

You see, having electricity also has it's drawbacks. The main one being that the humans use it as a means of entertainment. Before you know it they'll be watching all sorts of crap on the television with the volume too loud and then there's all those dvd thingys as well. I don't want to lie on the couch with all that going on now do I? The worst of it though is when they start playing music. How much Jethro-bloody-Tull does the lummox have to play before he's satisfied. And Uriah Heep. He never plays any of the cat bands that I like. I'd love to hear a bit of Deep Purr-ple or some Iron Meowden or even a bit of Deaf Leopard. But no, we have to endure endless repetitions of his progressive rock noodlings.

So there's good and bad points for the old leccy. We have lights and the fridge and even hot water if we need it which is all fine and dandy. But then we have constant re-runs of The Naked Gun and interminable bouts of Rush and Black Sabbath which is selfish and gets on my tits. So thanks Benjamin Franklin and no thanks at the same time.

PPP x

YEEEEEHAAAAAH!

Just a quick note gentle reader to say that the dog is going home tomorrow and how glad I am about that. I'd like to say that it's been fun and enjoyable having him on board. I'd like to be able to say that but that would be a complete and utter lie. So I'll just simply say 'sod off dog' and if I ever see you again it will be a million years too soon. Oh yes, and take your dirty, half chewed bone with you. I don't want to have to look at that thing. Aah, it's going to be ace, a dog free zone at last. Now I can really start to appreciate my new mooring for all it's worth.

PPP x

Don Juan

I really am speechless gentle reader. I mean, I ought to give the humans the meowing of a lifetime and yet I'm absolutely speechless. They've gone and arranged another new mooring without my say so. What part of MY BOAT don't they understand? The my bit or the boat bit! There I was thoroughly enjoying being outside ther cafe at Five Rise being admired by all and sundry as they walk past and now we've bloody well moved again. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice mooring and it looks like there will be mice to be had here but it's all been done in the most underhanded fashion again without checking with me first.

But anyhow, let's look at the positives shall we? It seems to be a good little sun trap here and I can and will be spending a lot of time sunbathing on the roof come summer. It's near Five Rise which I like. And there are no nearby trains to disturb my daytime slumber like I've had in the past at other moorings. So there's much to appreciate. There is one teensy, tiny problem though - An interloper! There's a black and white cat here who keeps jumping on the gunwhales and peering through the window. Obviously it's an attempt to catch a glimpse of me and before you know it he'll be hanging around trying to chat me up. Huh! It'll take more than the odd gift of a dead bird and some heavy purring let me tell you. I don't know what it is about Five Rise but all the male cats here are either love struck or horny or both. Sex maniacs the lot of them. Well I'm sorry fellas but my mind is set on higher things so jog on and try the local talent instead. So Mr Black & White may as well just bugger off back to where he came from.

The dog is still here but I'm pleased to say that he'll be going in less than a week's time. It's been tiresome gentle reader. very tiresome with his constant barking, dog hairs everywhere, and him chewing things (he had one of the lummox's slippers in his mouth the other day and I'm still gagging at the thought of it). So between a new mooring, overly amourous cats and over excitable dogs it's been a testing time for Pixie Poo Poo. But I'm a resiliant puss at the end of the day and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The dog will go home and any interloping cats will be chased away as and when. So don't worry about me folks, I'm ok.

PPP x