Bank Holiday Blues

Boo! Yah, boo and sucks to it! My bank holiday weekend has been thoroughly ruined by humans and the dog. Wrecked! Destroyed! All my plans out of the window! Still, it could've been worse. I'll explain...

Ever since Friday we've had Becky, Erin and the dog here. Literally for the whole weekend. And of course you know what that means don't you? Debauchery and barking in equal measure. I've had to hide myself away from that hairy, beige moron as he gets on my tits so much and the humans have been making such a mess and a cacophony working on my boat that it's been near impossible for me to get anything resembling peace and quiet. But, like I say it could have been a lot worse. The buggers where planning to go cruising. Cruising!!! Without my express permission! But I had the last laugh oh gentle reader. I had the last laugh indeed. There they were buying in supplies and taking the wheelhouse down and getting diesel and making all sorts of preparations for a jolly but then the engine overheated and all of a sudden they were going nowhere fast. Hah!

I thought for a while that that was it and that they would all sod off out for the day but no. They then set about doing all manner of work on my boat and turned the placed into a bloody building site. And then (get this), and then they went and painted the side of my boat purple. F*****g purple!!! I'm sorry but I don't remember inviting anybody to paint my boat purple. I was affronted. And of course whilst all this was going on the bloody dog kept up a constant flow of barking just to prove to all and sundry what a berk he is. It's been a nightmare gentle reader, an absolute nightmare. Erin did her best to placate me with soothing words but it was no good. Thank you for trying though. You are the one shining light in a sea of infuriating humans Erin.

Like I say, this went on for the whole weekend and to add insult to injury they had a barbecue on Saturday and a big meaty fry-up on Sunday which the dog managed to get in on but did I get anything? No! Sod all! It's over now though and that panting great brute has gone home. I mean the dog of course, not the lummox (sorry for any confusion there). It'll not be forgotten in a hurry let me assure you and I now plan to launch a campaign of sulking, fussy eating and night time meowing for the next few days to get back at them for putting me through all that. So there!

PPP x

PS - I thought the lummox could break wind but that Becky is something else!

My Mooring

We've been at the new mooring for six months now and I have to say that despite some initial reservations I had it's actually really nice. I've had no more trouble with other interloping cats and their amorous intentions and it's a very pleasant place to be now. I basically have the run of the place as you would expect and there seems to be a limitless supply of mice here. I get to jump about on everybody else's boats as well as mine and I've found one or two smashing little sun traps that the humans don't know about where I can while away a few hours to my heart's content. Sure, there's a little bit of traffic coming and going into the yard but I steer well clear of that. And of course we still get visits from the flatulent scouse hippie and the dog which gets tedious but otherwise I'm having a pretty good time of it. There are some nice people here who make a fuss of me and who seem to know what a cat likes behind the ears and the swans are placid enough. Those sods at Dowley Gap were downright aggressive! Mind you, we did have fornicating frogs all over the place a few months ago which was very off-putting. Thankfully that's all finished with. So yes, it's all good. I can say with paw on heart that I like my mooring.

My New Favourite Thing

The humans went out for the day on Friday to see the lummox's mater. Which was ace because it meant I had the boat to myself and didn't have to put up with the usual Friday night orgy of alcohol from them. And they came back with the car loaded up with all sorts of things that the lummox's mater had given them. She's quite a nice woman actually. I've met her a few times and she seems very cat-friendly. Can't understand what went wrong with him though. Anyway, one of the things they brought back was a genuine sheepskin rug. Nice, thick, full-some thing it is which for some reason Ange placed on the pouffe. I was then duly encouraged to get on and try it out. At first I meowed loudly at it and turned my back as I thought it was another crafty ploy of theirs but eventually I decided to give it a try as it looked so comfy.

And guess what? It is! It's the most wonderful thing. Soft and fluffy and great to lie on. So much so that I spend about 90% of my time on it. I sleep on it all night until Ange makes my breakfast. I then have my morning nap on it before the lummox comes home. After lunch I take my afternoon kip followed by a quick siesta before tea and then it's back onto the old sheepskin for the night again. I can't get enough of it gentle reader. It's bliss. The humans, I believe, originally planned to put their feet on it. Hah! That's gone out the window let me tell you. It's mine all mine now. Well, until I get fed up with it and move on to something else as we cats tend to do. But until then the lummox better keep his roquefort smelling plates off it.

PPP x

Over Run

Help!!! We're inundated gentle reader. There are children everywhere. Running amok on my boat. Squealing and bouncing around like mad things. I've had to put my paws over my ears to block it out. It's Ange's friend you see and her grandchildren. Kids will be kids of course, I realise that. After all, I was a kitten myself once. But it's the lummox's fault really you see. He's getting them all over-excited with his cajoling and practical jokes. I mean, how many more times is the old plastic turd going to make an appearance or the squirty ring or the fart whistle? He's like a bloody big kid himself. And of course you can imagine the effect all that has had on impressionable young children. Squealing they were. Absolutely squealing!!! And it's alright for that great ox isn't it? He just went to bed when they had gone. I was the one who had had my sleep disturbed. And to top it all off I then discover that Ange's friend (Sadie or Lulu or something, I wasn't really paying attention) doesn't actually like cats. Huh!!! You've come to the wrong place then lady! For I am a perfect example of that species. The children of course were delighted to see me and naturally enjoyed the feel of my silken fur between their fingers. Shame on you though granny!

PPP x

Lummox Day

It's the lummox's birthday today. He's 51 years old. 51 he is and you wouldn't believe it. He looks a damn sight older if you ask me. All grey and lined and dishevelled. Still, it's his special day so I won't say anything bad about him. Well, other than the fact that he's a fat, boorish oaf who makes my life a misery with his flatulence and gluttony and that I can barely tolerate more than a few minutes in his presence at a time and that he's constantly blocking up the bathroom sink with his hair and making it reek and that he wouldn't know how to properly care for a cat if his life depended on it and that he ought to think himself extremely lucky that he has Ange and I. Talk about hitting the jackpot!!! Anyway, like I said, it's his day so I won't say anything bad about him.

I've got him the same present that I got him last year and the year before that and the year before that. A big, fat nothing. Well, I thought, why not? He's worth it. Ange has bought him a book all about interpreting dreams. Huh! One can imagine what kind of dreams he has. He no doubt dreams of over-indulging himself and being an absolute get! If he had any sense at all he would dream about me and how he could better improve his standing with me. Whatever, maybe there's something in that book about cats that might spur him on to such things.

I believe that the two of them are going out this evening to eat Asian cuisine again and therefore the air in the boat will be unbreathable by morning. I suppose I'll let it go just this once as it is his birthday. I just hope they remember to open the pigeon boxes though to allow the effluvium to clear. I don't want to have to spend the whole of July 21st cleaning my fur now do I?

PPP x

Ibstock - A Poem

Ange has gone away for the night

And I'm left here with that heap of shite

She's gone to somewhere called Ibstock

And I'm left here with that pillock

She's had to go because of work

So I'm left here with that great jerk

To feed me if he doesn't forget

But probably will because he's so wet

Yes to Ibstock's where she's gone

And so I find myself put upon

To sit here with a heavy heart

To sit and listen to him fart

Whilst playing his progressive rock

And she's away in damned Ibstock

I really miss her, yes I do

I think he has just followed through

I hope that she comes back real soon

So I'm not alone with this buffoon

I want her back, I want her here

And not this bloated sack of beer

And so I wait and watch the clock

Until Ange comes back, from Ibstock

Piss Wet Through

Hah! So much for their holiday and so much for cruising. It’s pissing it down with rain and the canal water is low. So we can’t go off on a jolly. Serves them right for even thinking about it.

And the rain really is coming down gentle reader. I went out in it today as I believe that it is actually good for my fur. Of course I came in and dried myself off on the duvet afterwards as you’d expect. The main down side to the rain is that it tends to make the gunwales a bit slippery and so I have to take extra care when being out there. The bad news is that the dog came down again today, got soaked and then lay on the couch stinking the place up. And naturally he started barking at every slight little thing that went past. Other boats, people on the mooring, people on the towpath etc etc. Huh! He was piss wet through in more ways than one. Acting like a great big jessy just because he hears something. Dogs for you though you see. Their whole species is piss wet through if you ask me. They get excited at bugger all.

Anyway, the rain is going to be on for a few days so I hear and the humans are planning what they can do instead of cruising. There’s talks of days out here and there which will be great as they won’t be getting under my paws and I can do whatever I damn well please with my time.

Let it rain!

PPP x